Hello, dear reader! Assuming you’re a woman, here’s a quick fact. According to Pamela Meyer‘s website, Liespotting.com, men are 8 times more likely to lie. And they almost always lie about themselves.
We all lie. We lie every day. Women, in fact, lie more than men, according to this article by the guardian. It is human tendency to lie! Hell! Even babies know how to fake a cry!
So why are we focusing on a topic biased towards women? Well, here’s a complexity I’ve noticed time and again with couples. The women aren’t able to tell when the guy is lying. They either let slip of the guys when they lie or suspect them when they’re speaking the truth. Either way, the relationship is up for a toss.
- Is he cheating?
- Why is he lying?
- Am I being suspicious for no reason?
- What can I do to make him be frank with me?
Knowing when and why a man lies to his woman can help her enrich the relationship. Or in the worst case, save herself from emotional tragedy.
Why we are bad lie detectors:
But the average liar is above showing these signs. When was the last time you thought hard to come up with a lie? 4th grade?
So why is it difficult to detect a lie? Intelligence specialists Philip Houston and Michael Floyd, name ‘biasing’ as the reason. We continue to believe that certain people will not lie to us. We develop a non-neutral perception of events as human beings. And that applies to relationships as well.
For example, a cricket fan would say Dhoni got out because of a wrong decision. That, in fact, may not be true. In that manner, a housewife will choose to believe the traffic jam her husband told her about. That may not always be the case.
So what do you do about it? You wouldn’t want to become a nagging partner. Playing a silent victim to lies isn’t a good option either. Here’s what you can do:
They served various positions in the CIA, the NSA and the US Army Military Police. They also founded a company called QVerty for deception detection. In their book, Spy The Lie, they outline the following techniques to spot a person when he is lying.
I’ve tried the techniques myself and almost always spotted a lying teammate at work. I’m going to teach you how to use these techniques in being aware of your partner’s lies. Let’s go:
1. Understand Lies:
Lies of Omission:
Say you ask your boyfriend, “What did you guys do at the office tour?” And he comes up with “Mostly lying around at the hotel.” Be pretty sure it’s a lie. As implied by the name, this sort of a lie employs a choice to not reveal details. Look out for qualifiers like ‘mostly’, ‘usually’, generally’ etc . Buying time before coming up with an answer also qualifies to this type. Which means, “What was that hon?” usually implies he is trying to come up with a cover.
Lies of Commission:
When you ask “Why are you late” and he replies saying “I left the office at 6:00. The guy at McDonald’s took almost an hour to bring the burgers. And on top of that, there was a traffic re-routing downtown. That caused another half an hour’s delay.” Boy! There’s a truckload of lies! This type of lie has the liar giving excessive details. He’s prepared in advance for your interrogations.
Lies of Influence:
“Baby! I love you more than anything! Why would I lie to you?” Now, there’s a probable liar’s response to an interrogation. An attempt to establish character is a sign of a liar. “By God! I’m not lying.” Oh yes, he probably is.
2. Detect the lies:
Here’s the tricky part. You’ve spotted the signs with your understanding of lies. But you have to make sure it really is a lie. Remember, immediate accusations and confrontation can be terminal to the relationship. Essentially, you will have to investigate if it is a lie. There should be a level of ease in doing that too!
Start looking out for more clues. The idea is that more signs of a lie mean it’s a lie indeed. Looking for body language signs is a good way to gather clues. Here’s a list of 10 body language signs that Meyers insists you know.
3. Bring out the truth:
Bringing out the truth means confrontation. But you have to play by some rules.
Deliver questions in a neutral way – Do not confront and give away your suspicions. You may never be able to get a hint of the truth then.
Keep your question precise – Don’t ask ambiguous questions. Something like this: “Why didn’t you answer my call and why didn’t you call me back?” You will miss the part to which the liar reacts to. He will give an answer to the part which he is more comfortable answering.
Keep it short – People think faster than they talk. By asking a lengthy question you give enough time to cook a story. The chance of discovering the truth becomes more difficult.
Resist confrontation – Do not jump at a logical inconsistency in their story. Give it some time and bring it up casually.
Do not repeat the question – Repeating the lie offers comfort to the liar. So don’t make him repeat the lie.
Disrupt the liars game plan:
The liar always prepares himself with answers to possible questions. The idea is to bring up a question he is not prepared for. Say your boyfriend tells you he was Anita’s place because he needed some notes. Asking him “Was her mother there then?” will put him off. If indeed he was lying, the fact that you can ask Anita’s mom about his visit will torture him.
Getting to the bottom of the lie is vital for your relationship. If you find that your guy is lying just to have is own private space, it is best you leave it at that. Talk to him about it if you think you should. But don’t make a mess out of it by throwing an argument for nothing. Most guys would come up with the truth with confrontation. Don’t take him to task by saying stuff like “I wonder how many other times you’ve lied to me.” Get to the core of the subject and come to agreeable terms.
But if it’s a case of cheating, you better run for your life.